This is a true story.

As part of being a member of the Together Stronger Club, parents meet up every month to support one another with love and kindness.

One of the mums shared what happened to her son….(I have permission to share but I have changed the names for privacy).

There was a big family celebration coming up and Jo was very keen for her teenager son Sam to attend. But she knew it would be a battle. Sam doesn’t enjoy loud social events and he feels awkward talking to people. In the past, Jo would have insisted, bribed, demanded and put pressure on Sam to go. She would have told him he was being rude, disrespectful and would make the grandparents upset. This added a layer of shame and sadness and Sam felt even more shitty than before.

This time Jo did it differently. She changed her expectations.

Jo told Sam that his grandparents really understood that he found it difficult. It was a catered event and needed some extra waiters so, if he felt like it, he could help with clearing plates and that he would get paid.

Sam was still unsure.

The day came and Jo didn’t put pressure on Sam to go along to the party. But he still didn’t feel able to attend so the family left but told him that his dad Pete would be back later to sort out some food. No blame, shame or guilt.

Then this is where the magic happened.

When Pete returned a few hours later, Sam had changed into a black ‘uniform’ and declared he was ready.

The family were all delighted to see him and he cleared the tables like a pro. After a few hours he asked Pete to take him home, which of course he did.

This is such a success story.

If Jo had insisted he go to the party, there would have been rows and Sam would have felt uncomfortable and there would have been an awkward atmosphere. Instead Sam found a purpose for going (clearing plates), didn’t need to engage unless he wanted to and he knew that there was an end (time to go home).

By changing the expectations and reacting to Sam’s needs, the family were able to share a beautiful (albeit different) experience.

Bravo to Jo and Pete.

LOWERING THE BAR

So what do I mean by changing expectations?

Is it allowing your child to be feral and rule the household?

Absolutely not.

It is lowering the bar to make things achievable. So your child feels valued and successful. It doesn’t mean you lower your standards – it means that life may feel a little different. It’s finding the win-win.

In time you could raise the bar. But for now the aim is to help your child manage and to help them feel good about themselves.

Let’s look at some scenarios where it may help to change your expectations….

SCHOOL

This is obviously the Big One.

Getting on at school and exam success is so ingrained into our psyche. We are all so conditioned to expect that exam results match capability. You may have a vision what you think your child could achieve. You have mapped out their path.

But.

It may not be your child’s path.

They may be intellectually capable but getting there is so challenging and difficult that maybe you could think of another way. Remember Sam who physically could have been taken to the party, but emotionally he found his own way.

So change your expectation. Find schools, colleges, courses, employment that match your child’s needs. Not the other way round. Your child will flourish if they are in the right environment. Do not be afraid to change schools if the fit doesn’t feel right.

Encourage your child’s school to receive ADHD training so that all staff can truly understand ADHD and appreciate that if they have realistic expectations what your child can manage, your child will flourish and thrive at school.

HOME

There are so many elements to a happy family life. Again we have an image of a cohesive, smiling cooperative family. Think The Waltons having tea with The Brady Bunch. But your reality is so different.

Siblings will argue. Grandparents don’t get it. Cousins find your child annoying. All a recipe for your child to feel humiliated and angry.

So again. Think about your expectations of every situation.

What can your child actually manage?

Sit siblings separately to eat or taking a car journey. Go on separate trips. Play games that are quick and fewer rules.

Keep instructions short and uncomplicated.

Make sure homework is made up of short tasks and achievable and set up a clear, uncluttered work station. Expect 15 minutes rather than 40 minutes. Maybe use fidget equipment or low music to help with concentration.

Make use of planners, time tables, alarms, Alexa, Siri and compile lists. Use visual prompts and help with organisation. Buy boxes, label maker, files, hooks, shelves so that they can manage their stuff.

Share information about ADHD and educate the whole family, so they all know that your child is not being intentionally difficult.

This is not making excuses for your child. It is reacting to what they need.

ACTIVITIES

You may feel tempted to enrol your child in athletics, cricket, swimming, football, karate or piano. But these activities involve a lot of listening and team participation.

It may help to have different expectations and instead try risky activities with fewer restrictions like parkour, wall climbing, skateboarding, ice skating, street dance or BMX biking. They are also more likely to find their tribe at these type of pursuits.

Don’t organise playdates at home if you know this ends in tears. Instead arrange to meet outdoors and keep sessions short. Always have an exit plan and quit whilst you’re ahead.

EMOTIONS

Your child can get emotionally overloaded very quickly. This may be seen as inappropriate and your child may hear adults trying to help with platitudes such as “you’re too old to behave like that” or “you’re being very silly and not acting your age”. We know our children are emotionally and socially lagging behind their peers, so these types of comments help no one and can be extremely distressing to hear.

Instead begin to empower your child to understand for themselves what they can manage and to have a plan in place if it all gets too much.

If you need to go somewhere that involves a lot of waiting, explain what is going to happen, use a planner and clearly show what will happen next. Take along some fun activities and plenty of high protein food. In other words, expect that you will need to put the work in before you go. Do not expect your child with ADHD to wait anywhere patiently when they have no desire, motivation or purpose to be there.

Step back and review a situation. Do you have realistic expectations what your child can manage? If not, then make changes and react with kindness and understanding.

I hope that helps.

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