Being a parent of a child or teen with ADHD can be tough and a challenge.

Add into the mix the impact of grandparents.

This can go a few ways:

1. The grandparents are really understanding and supportive.
2. The grandparents have little understanding of ADHD and you feel criticised and a failure as a parent.

But we also need to consider where the grandparents are coming from.

This can go a few ways too:

1. The grandparents understand ADHD and have learnt about different parenting styles, but feel unable to interfere or offer advice.
2. The grandparents are desperate to help but don’t know how to.

So let’s look at what to do about this clash.

▪️ A little while ago I ran a group session for grandparents. They wanted to help but felt like they were interfering and couldn’t say anything for fear of being seen as too critical.

▪️ Every month I run a support group for parents and they often complain that grandparents just don’t get it and it causes friction.

I think the whole thing comes down to relationships, education and communication.

Let’s start with advice for parents.

Then the next section, advice for grandparents.

PARENTS

BE HONEST

We all have different relationships with our own parents and our in-laws or parents of a partner. So having a heart-to-heart may not be in your nature or may be really difficult for you.

But I think unless you actually talk about what is going on, the same things will continue to happen and things won’t change.

Gently explain that ADHD is real.

You are parenting in a different way and sometimes that will feel at odds with traditional parenting but this is what your child or teenager needs.

ROLE MODEL

Because this may feel so strange to the older generation, a good way to show that this works is to model good practice.

Be really obvious when you are praising your child and make a big deal over visuals, timers, audio cues and organisation strategies you use.

Talk about ADHD openly without taboo or stigma. Keep focussing on the positives of having an ADHD brain such as curiosity, brilliant problem solver, creative thinker and fearless.

AVOID CONFRONTATION

Keeping calm may be a challenge (particular if you may have ADHD too). Explain and show the strategies you use in your home when emotions get too big. Have an escape plan and stuff you all do to get back to a calm equilibrium.

Shouting and screaming is us being overwhelmed and a tad out of control. So show that sometimes you too need time out before you can react in a calm and measured way.

Be patient with the grandparents. This may feel really alien and they may need time to come to terms with your different way to do things.

BE CLEAR

Often there may be conflict between generations as there is not clarity.

So be really clear and precise with what you would like grandparents to do. For example, if they are serving your child food, explain they prefer small choosing plates so they can decide for themselves what goes on their plate.

Keep reiterating, you are responding to what your child needs.

EDUCATION

We don’t know what we don’t know.

So share anything you have seen, read or watched.

I can offer the following:

💛My two books ‘ADHD Is Our Superpower’ and ‘Teen Survival Guide To ADHD’ are available form Amazon and all bookshops

💛ADHD: A Five Minute Podcast on Spotify and all podcast apps

💛Or join my Together Stronger Club where grandparents can have full access to the training, coaching and resources

But also check out Additude online and How To ADHD on Youtube

GRANDPARENTS

RELATIONSHIPS

It used to drive me potty when I picked my son up from his grandparents. All I heard from them was he was “as good as gold” and “we haven’t had a moment’s bother”. I took this as a personal insult and a criticism that they were doing something more successful than me.

But now I realise that children WILL behave differently with grandparents. There are fewer rules, no need to nag to do homework or worry about the every day stuff like tidying their bedroom.

I like it that my son has a warm, loving relationship with his grandparents. So I just accept he will behave differently. And at home he feels safe and comfortable to be true to himself if neeeded.

However, watch out that children are not behaving differently out of fear or masking as this is not what we should all be aiming for either.

CONSISTENT

It is vital that grandparents do not contradict parents in front of the child or teen. Our children are intuitive and smart and they will use this to their advantage. This will cause more friction and problems between generations.

Grandparents should back the parents’ decisions and provide some moral support for what can be a chaotic household.

Privately discuss strategies and thoughts out of earshot of your grandchildren.

Remember too that grandparents come with wisdom and experience, so we must be open to all conversations.

PRACTICED RESPONSES

It may help grandparents to think up some responses when something doesn’t feel right without sounding too critical.

Perhaps:

“How can I help?”

“I love how you did that”

“What can I do differently?”

Know that parents may really be struggling with organisation, financial concerns or relationship issues. So be there to offer help and support without the “I told you so” conversations.

Grandparents can help create a warm, loving environment to make our children and teens with ADHD feel listened to and understood.

EMBRACE DIFFERENCE

If grandparents really understand what ADHD is, you can embrace the difference and be supportive. So understand your grandchild will get up from the dinner table, may lose their school jumper, may find friendships difficult or continually interrupt a conversation with their unique thoughts and opinions.

React with kindness and humour.

BE AN AVOCATE + BE POSTIVE

Grandparents can let their grandchild know that they are in their corner. Learn about ADHD (see Education above) and let the children know you have their back.

Focus on the good things they are doing and let them know it has been noticed.

DENIAL

Grandparents may be in a situation where they recognise the grandchild may have ADHD, but the parents are just treating the child as naughty and disobedient. This is a fine line to cross. Perhaps, as above, you be a positive role model and in time the parents may realise that reacting to behaviour in a different way is more advantageous to punishments and harsh discipline.

Do not criticise either verbally or through body language. I know it may be hard but walk away from a conflict.

FINALLY

Grandparents can be a blessing for a family with a child or teen with ADHD. An extra pair of hands, respite care plus unconditional love and support.

As parents we must embrace this but accept many of the older generation may not understand what our children or teens with ADHD need.

So we must educate them.

ADHD is real.

Love,

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