Christmas can be a wonderful time of the year. Christmas can be magical and full of snuggly, warm fuzzy feelings of comfort and joy. Mistletoe and wine.
But…
Maybe not if you have a child or teenager with ADHD who finds this time of year really tricky.
You need to be realistic about what your child can manage.
So what are the difficulties – and what can you do to help?
OVERWHELM
Too many sounds, smells. Too many people. The overexcitement of presents. Visits from other family members not seen in a while. The resulting behaviour can be challenging, silly or just aggravating for the rest of the family.
HOW TO HELP…
Have a plan. Make a visual schedule of what will happen in the day. Keep to a routine and don’t deviate if possible.
Make time for going outdoors for a walk or run and to get fresh air. Great distraction and much needed time away from the sensory overwhelm. Find an excuse to get outside – walk the dog or pick up some milk.
Leave if it all gets too much. Quit whilst you’re ahead and avoid staying for an extra hour just because you feel obliged.
EXPECTATIONS
Too often our sense of what we expect flies out of the window when the wider family come round. You may feel under pressure to make sure everything seems perfect, your children have immaculate manners and sit at the table for the whole Christmas meal.
The result that your child with ADHD fall short of what is expected and you may feel the pressure to be stricter and enforce rules you don’t usually. This won’t go down well. It is confusing and inconsistent.
HOW TO HELP…
Have realistic expectations. Let your child sit in another room, be on their headphones, eat different food. Don’t expect them to play a family game if they don’t want to. Your aim is to make your child feel comfortable and relaxed. Bat off family comments. You are being the parent your child needs. Make sure your teen or child knows you’re in their corner.
It may also help to let family know beforehand. Your child has a neurodivergent brain, is constantly seeking dopamine and excitement and will find boring and unnecessary stuff irritating. This results in finding things to be stimulated by, which may not always be socially acceptable.
HYPER FOCUS
We know our children with ADHD get ‘fixed’ on things. This can be all consuming and they could get lost down a rabbit hole. To some extent this will always be the case. But at Christmas when you want them to engage with Granny, it may be frustrating and feels rude.
HOW TO HELP…
It’s okay if your child wants to do their own thing. If they get stuck on wanting something, write out a plan or agreement when it will happen. If they want to be on a screen whilst the family are around, then that’s okay if you agree a plan beforehand. Make a fact book and refer to that if they keep repeating the same things. Decide a time together when you’d like them to join you to watch a movie. Put it on the schedule.
Let them know it’s okay to do it differently. Together find a way to reach a win-win situation.
SIBLINGS
There will always be the comparisons made between siblings. Your child with ADHD has heard approximately 20,000 more negative messages by the age of 12 , than a child without this neurodiverse condition. So no wonder your child feels left out, hard done by, sad and angry. These feelings of frustration may be taken out on the siblings who they see as perfect and the parents’ favourite. The result is a family fraught with jealousy, rage and resentment.
HOW TO HELP…
Make time for each child in your family and don’t have expectations that you will all do things together. Particularly at Christmas. This may feel tough. But whilst there is friction, trying to play happy families will leave you disappointed and heartbroken.
Instead, find the things that your child with ADHD can do well and big them up. Make them feel the champion of something.
This situation is not forever, but for now if it works to keep the peace, then that’s how it is.
AND FINALLY…….
Please, please, please don’t feel you have to do it all. You don’t. Ask for help. Good enough is good enough. The important thing is your relationship with your child which is not just for Christmas…
Here’s to a 2025 full of joy and the peace we all crave.
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