One of the most heart-breaking things is seeing your child with ADHD rejected by their peers.
No invites to play dates or birthday parties. And how many times does your child get asked out with friends? Mmm. Not many I’m guessing.
As a parent this is hugely difficult to stand by and watch. The outcome for your child is frustration and despair. Which in turn, becomes demanding and challenging behaviour at home. All behaviour is a form of communication. And rude, wilful, aggressive behaviour may be your child trying to express their confusion that they feel lonely and isolated.
WHY DOES YOUR CHILD WITH ADHD FIND IT SO DIFFICULT TO MAKE FRIENDS?
🏃 For the peers, your child can be just a little too much. Sense of humour is louder and quirkier. Maybe they talk quickly and jumps about from subject to subject. Never finishing a thought or idea before leaping onto the next. Nothing gets finished. For a child, being with someone who is so full-on can be somewhat overwhelming.
🏃 Your child may actually be about 3 years lagging behind socially and emotionally. They may be immature. Whilst your child’s peers may be moving on with their interests, your child may still be enjoying playing chase in the playground. Your child may not have the emotional intelligence to match conversations or feelings of the peers and there may be many social blunders.
🏃 Your child has hyperfocus and seems to get fixated on one thing. Whether its Disney princesses or looking for worms, your child will focus all their attention on this one interest for perhaps months on end. This can be dull or boring for their peers who will leave and move onto something more interesting for them. Another difficulty is that your child will be so focussed on what interests them and may be unaware of the friend’s needs. So your child may not be aware that there is a need to wait their turn or for someone else to go first.
🏃 Due to your child being in a classroom and probably not having all their needs met, they will no doubt be called out many times by the class teacher. so your child will soon get a reputation of being naughty. And there are not many children who will want to associate with the naughty child. Of course, this in turn will make your child angry and there we have a self-fulfilling prophecy!
🏃 Your child will have a poor working memory which means that information they have been told gets crowded out by a busy brain and they cannot adapt behaviour. This will impact on friendships.
SO HOW CAN YOU HELP YOUR CHILD MAKE FRIENDS?
👩❤️👩 You have to specifically teach social skills. Give your child a script if necessary what to say. He may want to repeat back an instruction to aid working memory. Or use an app or list to remember important things.
Play games at home and practice turn taking. Practice letting other people go first and playing games that are not their choice. Praise desirable behaviour. Have a reciprocal conversation to actively practice listening and responding. The adults in the home could have conversations amongst themselves to model appropriate conversations and behaviour, which your child ‘over hears’
Sometimes an older friend of the family can be a great mentor that your child may like to spend time with and learn from. Role play scenarios that your child may have trouble with. For example teasing.
👩❤️👩 When you notice a tricky scenario on TV or real life then comment on it. For example, if you see a child in a supermarket help her brother, then comment on it so your child is aware of the behaviour. However, you don’t want your child to see it as a criticism as they may already have low self-esteem. But you can just make a general comment so your child is alerted to the desirable behaviour.
👩❤️👩 Organise play dates at your home. This may be a child one or two years younger. That’s okay as we know your child is lagging behind. And anyhow, when we get into the real world, how many of us form friendships with people who are in a different age group than us?
For the play date, start off with a run in the park or walk the long way round from school. Stay outdoors as long as possible.
At home, prepare quick activities and discreetly guide your child. Serve food in sharing dishes rather than putting all food on one plate. This is more desirable and sociable for your child.
Keep the play date really short. Too long and there will be chance of tears and fall outs.
👩❤️👩 Work with the school to encourage friendships. Let them know the difficulties your child is having and how this is impacting behaviour at home. Arrange regular meetings with the class teacher to discuss specifically. Ask what the school are doing to help your child. Perhaps they could help with the younger ones at lunchtime, take in a favourite game to play with peers. Look out for red flags; is your child is feigning illness to stay inside at playtime or sticks with the adult in the playground. They may be lonely.
How are your child’s interests supported at school? Are they given a chance to shine and seen in a different light by the peers? You are entitled to ask these questions and can expect there to be ‘reasonable adjustments’ made at school to help your child.
Make sure the classroom is set up so that it is ADHD-friendly and your child is not being told off for things they cannot help. We know ADHD is a neurological condition and so the teacher must put things in place to help. Here are some tips I wrote a while ago.
👩❤️👩 Pursue your child’s interests in groups outside school.
Find their tribe. It is more likely that they will come across children who are similar to them and share the same interests. Your child will be in an environment that they feel comfortable in. Don’t however overload with too many activities. Only choose those they actually enjoy and is motivated to attend. Find an activity that will have a sense of risk, adventure or curiosity. Also, choose a group with a leader who has a good attitude to children who have additional needs. A group that is too competitive or regimented is not the ideal place for your child.
Definitely alert the group leader that your child has ADHD and what they need.
Here is a useful leaflet that you may want to share with the leader before the first session. (Right-click to save to your computer and then print)
I hope that all helps. Let me know how you get on.
Love,
FOR ADHD TRAINING + SUPPORT PLUS A BUCKET FULL OF LOVE
